Stories of empowermentia

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When dad started struggling with figuring out money, we always would jump in to ”save” him. But when we did, he would get annoyed with us. Isn’t it better to be a little upset than frustrated?  We learned that it wasn’t our decision to make. They were his feelings and he had the right to decide. We sat down with dad and asked what he wanted to happen when he was having some difficulty figuring out the money. “Do you want to be frustrated trying to do it on your own? Or do you want to be angry with us helping you?” He told us which he wanted. And what his decision was doesn’t really matter. It was HIS decision to make.

Moving a loved one into a long term care community is not an easy decision, especially when it’s a day before Thanksgiving. On the day dad moved into a special care program, all went smoothly. As we were leaving, we told the nurse that we would be picking dad up the next day (Thanksgiving) at 11:00. We were immediately told “bad idea”. In memory care, the professionals often think we know what’s best. But it is the family members who are the professionals when it comes to the individual. Needless to say, we took dad home for Thanksgiving and it was a great day. 

Lots of decisions are made in organizations every day. Some are critical and truly life saving. Others are a bit less important. How many of you wear costumes on Halloween?  Do you plan theme days in your activity department? Do you have a dress down day?  Now think about who in your organization makes those decisions. Most likely it is a staff member (administrator, executive director, activity director). Why aren’t the people who live in the community make the decision?  It’s their home so it should be their decision. 

I remember working with one of my favorite residents, Marie (yes, we have favorites, it’s human nature). Marie had moved into our community following a stay at an inpatient psych hospital. She was not happy (that’s an understatement). During her first day, In the afternoon especially, she got quite worked up about not wanting to be there and wanting to go home. I asked if she wanted to write a letter to the doctors and her family explaining how she felt. She sat in my office and wrote away. Put the pen down, took a deep breath and calmly walked out of my office. This happened for her first week with us. And every day she was less angry. 

Then on day 8 she came into my office in the afternoon. I got the paper and pen ready for her to write her letter. And she sat down and said I don’t need to write today. And when I asked her what was going on, she said “I decided I want to be here”. 

Listening. Empowering. Deciding.

Too many times in my career, I have heard someone say “The family needs to understand”. Often it’s around some aspect of the disease. However, as professionals, sometimes WE need to understand and listen. 

Years ago, I worked with a family who insisted her dad not be allowed to dance.   The daughter came in during a music program and saw her dad freely and expressively dancing. She explained that he would be “horrified” if he could see himself. Many of the staff said “she needs to understand that her dad isn’t the same person” or “she needs to understand that if this makes him happy he should be able to dance”.  But instead, we encouraged the staff to ask what is it that we needed to understand. 

We sat down with the daughter and didn’t start with “you need to understand”. Instead we started with “Help us understand”. She went on to explain that her dad gave her the responsibility of “protecting” him when he could no longer do it for himself. That she needed to do what she knows her dad wanted because they talked about what the disease would look like. The daughter had tears as she shared that she is going to keep her promise to her dad. And that she didn’t care if he danced but that he would care. Together we agreed that we wouldn’t bring dad to programs that would encourage dancing (many of the music programs and entertainers) but that if he was dancing because he simply felt like dancing that we couldn’t stop that from happening. 

She thanked the team for listening and was happy with the solution that we came up together. 

Empower. Listen. Empathize.